Spiritual Check

I am not an "elder" of the faith--in fact, I consider myself so thoroughly newborn in Christ that I doubt I have the grounds to claim myself to be anything other than wholly ignorant new believer who has just received Jesus into his heart--and because of that, I wanted to take time each week to give you some idea of where I am REALLY at spiritually.

This week . . . I'm not exactly batting 1.000.

I've been mean to my wife, mean to my son, and I have neglected to exercise and eat correctly (which is a sin against my body). Also, I am once again tempted with the rise of lustful fantasies--not always about women--which seem to occupy my every waking thought. I have rebelled--openly--against Jesus on several occasions, and my marriage and family have both suffered for it. (Specifically, my areas of rebellion center around work (or my lack of interest in working) and driving (which I tend to view as a liberating chance to do whatever I want, rather than as a sacred responsibility that allows me to serve my wife and son).)

Early in the week, I thought I had been making progress in my walk with the Lord, and I thought I had been getting better at listening to His voice. Unfortunately, it seems I am not getting better at all, but in fact, I seem to be growing more and more restless and hostile to the Lord's voice.

I don't know if this is normal for a Christian--I suppose it is, because I've read many a classic Christian writer describe feelings like this, but I can't be sure. However, one thing I do know: It is extremely frustrating, especially when I want to grow in my walk with Jesus. It is really amazing how utterly vile, wicked, and abysmal my flesh is, and it seems to become more and more apparent to me every day.

On my own personal judgment day, Jesus will ask me whether or not I fed the hungry, gave the thirsty something to drink, clothed the naked, visited the sick and imprisoned, and (because I am a dad) brought my son up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. As I look back at this week and see myself failing this final exam over and over again, the only thing I can do is shudder . . .